it’s sunday. . . will be ended soon

adalah waktu yg kerap tersanding setia, ketika kefanaan mulai bergejolak tak terukur. . .
seperti menuturkan hikayat-hikayat lama tentang ketakberujungan yang acap kali berlakon di panggung bumi
aku dihujami godaan, untuk berpangku pada sebuah penglihatan, memprasyaratkan keteraturan tidak pada tempatnya. . .
walau bungkam menjd penghormatan untukku, tapi isyaratmu menyiarkan ketidakberdayaan . . .

jika kepatutan kini menjadi pilihan kita, satu retorika saja tidak akan cukup untuk menggoreskan takdir yang belum juga terlahir. dan bila waktu adalah neracanya, sepelik apakah lagi keberadaanya untuk kita?

mungkin bukan pencarian suratan yg semestinya menggodaku, krn kearifanmu membatasi pikirmu dan melingkungi rasamu, maka saatnyalah kini, kiniku, kinimu untuk melerai jeda yg terlalu angkuh memihak . . .

sesudinya aku, biarlah kesetiaan waktu yg mewakili kita.
mewakili pantulanku dan pantulanmu, karena gelombang nur tidak akan berbelok, rambatannya bisa menembus kaca setebal apapun. . . kecepatannya, akan mengumandangkan segala yg terucap dan tidak terucap tepat di detik yg sama.

**sometimes we forget to be thankful when we own the time as our hopes.
lvnmusvvm

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gill hart said so … ;)

Fashion Rules for Forty-Somethings

Turning 40 is a defining moment when it comes to following fashion. It is the age when a woman teeters on the brink of becoming mutton dressed as lamb or turning frumpy.

Having a (fashion) mid-life crisis seems to manifest itself in two ways, says Trinny and Susannah, TV fashion gurus of the British nation. “Dressing far too young or giving in to frumpiness” is a common dilemma, according to their book,What You Wear Can Change Your Life (Weidenfeld & Nicolson, 2004).

The secret is to look stylish and elegant, following some, not all of the fashion trends. At forty, a woman should know enough about her body to begin to understand which cuts and colors flatter her most. Reaching forty-something is not so much about following fashion but more about creating a sense of style.

Often being in a stronger financial position than a twenty-something, this allows older women to invest in some expensive classic pieces which are sophisticated and timeless. These can be updated with shoes, bags and other accessories in the colors of the season.

Instead of buying cheaper, poorer-quality fashion clothing from local high street stores, stylish women should buy fewer, more expensive, tailored outfits in beautiful fabrics and flattering cuts.

10 Rules of Style for Forty-somethings

1. Colors

• Reaching your forties does not mean taking refuge behind boring colors. Whilst keynote essentials are crisp white and slimming black, a woman is not necessarily doomed to a monochromed life.
• Select the best of the season’s colors, avoiding those which make the skin look sallow and are not compatible with skin tone. Eye color is usually a good guide for what suits you. Bolder and more sophisticated shades like this season’s Rococco Red, Snorkel Blue and Golden Olive are less draining and aging than pastels.

2. Dresses

• With so many dress styles to choose from, avoid leg of mutton or ruffled sleeves and go for simple styles. Maxi dresses are a feminine alternative to pants for those who wish to hide their legs and hips. Spring and Summer 2008 sees Grecian-drape dresses and closer (not clingy) cuts, rather than the diaphanous milkmaid and gypsy-style skirts of 2007.

• Showing too much flesh is a forty-something faux pas. You can get away with a smock dress if you balance out bare legs by covering up the shoulders and chest or layering it with pants. If showing a wide expanse of flesh up top, then balance it out with longer length skirts.

• Take comfort in the fact that only middle-aged, curvy women can really carry off a wrap-over dress. It is one of the few styles that stick insects and size zeros fail to have cornered the market in.

3. Trousers or Pants

• A really well-cut pair of black trousers in an expensive material will go with almost anything. Avoid this season’s high-waisted cummerbund pant trend unless you are tall and sleek enough to carry it off.

• Leggings, the fashion furniture of our generation, should be worn under dresses or tunics and not be the focus of an outfit. Leave that to the domain of an eighteen-year-old!

4. Tops

• Avoid baby-doll, smock-type tops or ones that are too tight-fitting, which make you look like a squeezed hot dog sausage. Nothing screams “stylish” more than a crisp white shirt with a pair or well cut pants. Longer length tops are more flattering at forty-something, unless you have the figure of Kate Moss.

5. Swimwear

• No matter what your size, one-piece swimsuits are more stylish and elegant than a bikini. The secret is buying a good cut. If you suffer from a large stomach, then choose a swimsuit which draws attention to the bust and not to the middle.
• Wrap and rouched swimsuits can minimize a spare tire. Miraclesuits, available online and in many retail stores, are sexy and perfect for older women. They claim to make a woman lose 10 pounds in 10 seconds, given that they contain three times as much lycra as a normal swimsuit.

6. Handbags and Purses

• Nothing is more telling about a woman’s age than her handbag. Invest in one or two great designer bags which suit your body shape and can be teemed with the staples of your wardrobe. Nina Garcia, author of the Little Black Book of Style, recommends that everyone should have three different kinds of purses. Women carry their life around in their handbags, so a big bag is both trendy and practical, especially for mums.

7. Shoes

• Turning forty does not have to mean relegation to flats and boring court shoes. A mid-height heel is stylish and sexy and can make you trendy by accessorizing a classic item with shoes of this season’s colors.

8. Underwear

• You are what you bra. An badly fitting bra is both unflattering and aging. A bra that fits correctly can take years of your figure. It pushes up your breasts and guides them inwards, giving a much slimmer outline.

9. Hair and Make Up

• Having reached your forties “Tinted moisturizers are too sheer for you now,” according to Eve magazine, January 2008, 40’s Beauty. “Moisturizing foundations will cover lines and wrinkles.”
• “Nothing is more ageing than long hair once a woman reaches a certain age. The difficulty is knowing when you have reached it,” says Tess Stimson in herDaily Mail article of 3rd January 2008, “Just When Does a Woman Get Too Old for Long Hair?”
• With Spring 2008’s maxi-dress trend, longer hair is back in vogue. However, older women should take note that a short, layered bob or sassy cut can really melt away the years.

10. Classics Pieces for the Wardrobe

• Finally, getting rid of the tat and investing in a few timeless pieces is perhaps the most important step to achieving your sense of style. According to Garcia, there are 10 key pieces that every woman should have.

also check this out

another one

[inspired from my lovely aunty Fully Rz Pahlevy Said]

Nak, pahamilah, bahwa dunia kadang tidak seperti yang kita mau.  Semuanya berbeda, ada yang tidak baik dan tidak diduga. Itu realita dan alami, jangan kecewa terlalu dalam.

Satu hal yang pasti dan tidak akan berubah, bahwa kita masih bisa terjaga sebagai orang baik, penuh kasih & ketulusan, memahami, dan tidak pernah menyakiti, selalu menempatkan diri pd semestinya apapun peran kita bagi orang lain ….dengan semua kapasitas intelektual yang kita miliki dan tidak mudah kita raih……

Itu saja, nak

perseverance & resoluteness to compose myself

ever since all of the attractions have invaded and bombarded me which crippled my beliefs to endure by the peak of time is right now, there are only 3 things that make me realize and think logically …. namely; the real solutions and great favors from my brother, the lovely presence of my kids, and mainly, the existence of myLove who feels stronger in my heart.

i told him that actually i highly understood his reaction, his support and did not intend to vent all of the rage to him.  i did not mean to hurt him which also turned out to hurt me.  i realized that despite we are being in a state of very low, we still must be able to control ourselves to get the directions.

for surely in addition to the family and to my inner family, even though i find 10, 100, even 1000 people to share … only one myLove who i need.

in the depth of my soul ultimately…

i learned the hard way than i cannot always count on others to respect my feelings, even if i respect theirs. being a good person doesn’t guarantee that others will be good people too. you only have to control over yourself and how you choose to be as a person. as for others you can only choose to accept them or walk away.

that was what myLove have taught me over the years…. poor me huh??? :’(

**lvusvvm myLove <3 <3 <3

open up your heart and let the sunshine in

bukan ini yang saya inginkan, Tuhan.
bukan ini!!!

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it’s thursday. .

gusti!!!!!!!

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this masquerade

i dedicate this song to a friend who has trouble in her married life …
one thing you should remember, pal … whether honesty for being yourself is worth less than all of the mask you wear only to show him the perfection?
is not no one is perfect?

the silence and your solitude should never be existed whenever you’re with your husband.

as i do feel the warmth in my heart each time I remember myLove who’s being far across the ocean from me

listen to the song and read the lyrics properly, sweetheart

……this masquerade

Are we really happy here
With this lonely game we play
Looking for words to say
Searching but not finding
understanding anywhere
We’re lost in a masquerade

Both afraid to say we’re just to far away
From being close together from the start
We tried to talk it over but the words got in the way
We’re lost inside this lonely game we play

Thoughts of leaving disappear
Every time I see your eyes
No matter how hard I try
To understand the reasons
Why we carry on this way
We’re lost in a masquerade

step aside, please. . .

i’m not allowing anyone, anyone to discredit myLove.  u know nothing about him, u know nothing who he is.

why don’t u take care of your own business? will u?

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#3 – got off, liberated exactly

we only a flake among sprinkling filled the universe. maybe that is why there are no problems can not be handled

we may not yet find a solution at this time, but we shall certainly be rid of all constraints. with patience and resignation.

**so grateful for this moment. it wasn’t easy but it fills my heart and thought with fortunately and surender. thx to u bro

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#2 – feel so small

butuh kekuatan extra umtuk beredar hari ini.  yg terutama, enggan. . .  enggan berurusan lagi dg dermatologist yg pasti akan marah2 karena mukaku lgsg terkena sinar matahari. enggan bertemu banyak org yg pasti lalu lalang gak karuan, enggan menghabiskan uang unt hal2 yg bs aku hindari. enggan ingat lagi semua hal yg mengganggu. . . .

but finally i am here. after came by to the souvenirs shop to buy some stuffs for the children.
sit down on the seafood cafe, picked a plate of nasi goreng seafood which i dont really want . .  but i need to eat something after didnt eat anything today.
i dont remember anything exactly, i just miss my kids, mama and him. he hasnt called me for 2 weeks . . . it hurts me, u know. though i dont expect anything from him now since he came to bdg weeks ago.

beach, in front of me. feel so small, i see the wilderness, darkness, and frightened.

ternyata benar aku tidak menyukai laut, aku takut, seram dan deburannya membuatku merinding. antah berantah yg tidak bisa diukur . . . lolongan anjing liar makin menciutkan nyaliku. baru kali ini aku merasa tdk bisa bersahabat dg alam.
it’s 22.26 pm.
kenapa suara deburannya tdk terdengar deburan olehku? seperti keganasan yg mengejar tanpa henti, terus menerus. and the darkness. . . Tuhan, saya takut.
tiba2 kepalaku pusing dan perutku mual.

satu saja yg aku nikmati, angin dan kesendirian. laut itu spt tempat tak berujung.
tp lampu2 perkotaan ibarat bintang di kaki langit. bagus, mengelilingi sisi kanan kiri sejauh pandanganku terhadap laut, melingkar.
aku kira aku akan mendengarkan musik jazz di sini . . . tp semua org berjoged dangdut riang gembira. . . para turis asing yg terkekeh2 pun tak ayal ikut bergoyang.

perutku makin gak karuan. aku harus kembali ke hotel, lying down, dan mengistirahatkan lagi badanku.

aku hanya sebuah titik di antara miliaran titik di muka bumi ini. brgkali masalahku pun hanya sebuah seperjuta titik di antara mslh2 org lain yg ada. aku mungkin hanya seonggok daging bagi laut itu, yg akan disantap oleh pelaku2 liar di dalamnya.
bahkan buih pantai lebih banyak drpd keberadaan diriku.

aku ingin bersublimasi dan kontemplasi, nyatanya. . . aku hanya bagian kecil dr keberadaan semua hal di dunia. mungkin, aku harus berpikir juga, bhw semua mslh yg aku hadapi ini juga kecil. dan akan bisa aku selesaikan dalam kesabaranku.

dua puluh anjing liar mendekati pantai. berebut sisa makann yg dibuang pemilik restoran unt mrk. aku takut anjing, tp laut tetap lebih menakutkanku.

aku ingin kuat. . .

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#1 : should i?

sud i really to be here. . .
with very “warm” face and im so far away from the children.

however, they r my strength to face and hang on.

im here bringing so many questions. they, or even him, probably will not understand and ask me just to stay cool.
im quite sure, gradually people will be back to their own business and priorities. . .
once my ex came to me and offered me a hand, even finally i asked him to take care of my children for a while but it obviously that he even cannot help himself from falling.
then, the children still need to be safe with me.

pls do not get me wrong, my children are my life. but they have to be safe from any bad circumstances such as me,. . .

u never knew u will need someone badly until u do.  and u dont even know where’s to go only to share ur burden n cry

but people will get tired for us maybe. . .

i wish, i can go home soon. . . . 
i wish, i will enjoy this trip. .

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detachment

a conviction

a matter of time, I want to look for it this time
it’s not easy to give up the kids who need me most right now, but it will not also easy to bring them with me in a lack of improvement situation.
may You dear God bless them in every single step they’re made…
aamiin.

gosh, i’m so sorry angels….

friday the thirtieth, yet not yet

i love the quiet, peaceful moments… whether i’m counting clouds in the sky, communing wordlessly with my beloved (yeaah right!!) or being soothed by soft music.

no matter how patient i am with the people who make too much noise or move way too fast for me, i’d be totally within my rights if i moved into my personal bubble of silence for the day, and locked the door behind me.
being true to my desires feels so right, you know.
i didn’t let anyone argue me out of this, although if they had a heart, they wouldn’t even try….
i decided to put myself on the back today, especially if there’s no one else around to do it for me.
yes, it’s solitary work aspiring to be the best i can be, but now i’m surely sure that i’m a long way from lonely. i have my plans and optimism to keep me warm.
i’m not worry about criticism. no one could argue with the power and practicality of what i’m doing.
instead, a little reassurance from them build into a massive wall of self-confidence for me.

everything is gradually recovered … probably god grants my wish to soothed … to resolve all the problems that settles for many years in my life.
none of the stance will be movable, but … it is sufficient I locked horns with myself. I am going to let everyone do what they want ….
from time to time, the more I ran out of the power to perform.

although as I said one day, “choosing be proud or admit the sorrow when viewing and heard … not be easy. sometimes we must keep our desire to preserve the self-respect”

wednesday the 13th

being this close with the girls makes me feel complete, as far as I knew, there are not many parents have a chance like me

i need a huge strength to pass this part of my life successfully….
a huge faith to believe in..
a huge consciousness to see the facts

we’ve talked.. and i guess, at least we are here to each other before i find a way to solve the problems

**why was that? i always had the unusual path to live my life? like i have one now too..

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but their revelry might actually get under my skin

to find the blessings in my life, someone close to me said, “the fact that you’re such a tuned-in, compassionate person. not everyone has that, you know”…
’cause when i’m focus on my blessings, more things are going right than are going wrong

this time … the story ends
hustle bustle  of conscience’s anxiety find the answer
a recognition which has been denied and ignored for many years… even avoided …
this time … with all humility, i decide to choose peaceful
choose no longer turned away
choose to get rid of all the soleness which tormented me too long

i didn’t say that i prepared for all of the great things that await ahead of me, but i do know…. i’m not alone

after all, people reserves the right to determine what works best for themselves and their convenience …

 

every cloud has a silver lining

the most miserable thing when we belatedly realized that something we have been left turns out to have a profound meaning for us.  awakening which there is no point, you know …

I can not seem to say anything except how sad I am to see everything is no longer can be repaired.
even though how much I want to end it well … without regrets and detraction that no need to say anymore.

I just want to be a good person, a desire inherent in my children each time they have difficulty to refrain.

and I also, i just want to be a good person …
for everyone

gosh, if only I could turn back the time ….

 

this solitude is a torment 

tremendous insight into my human nature

my periodical
very sensitive, anger exploitation, easily sad, touchy ….

but I can’t stand the loneliness

empty hearted, deep longing, utterly need to be accompanied…

I don’t like these feelings, they remind me of the bad things which have been happened to me
I can’t avoid the bad memories, I can’t help it to come..

frightened… and lil bit sad

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now i miss my father

bahwasanya adoration itu tidak perlu diungkapkan?

kali ini setelah lama tidak dirasakan, i start to feel such an inferior
have nothing enough to attract someone for talking much to me …

hmmm…
perasaan yg tidak nyaman sama sekali ….

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a cup of tea

since doctor’s therapy last week, I suddenly longed for a cup of tea from canada or srilanka which commonly given by myLove almost in every time he went back to Indonesia. the hot tea in the morning and sweet tea with ice-cubes in the daytime.
i think, it is not easy to find a man like him who is always keen to unique things other than my father. . . .
who always remembered and bought by himself for certain people he really cares about. . . 
he has been compared, u know. . .

saya tidak bisa menggambarkan apa yang saya rasakan sekarang setelah apa yang saya lalui setahun kemarin ketika semuanya terombang-ambing tak menentu dan saya terlabuhkan pada sebuah biduk yang tidak bernahkoda.
terlalu naive dahulu ketika hal itu diletakan pada sebuah persimpangan, karena sesungguhnya saya tahu arah mana yang dipertahankan untuk saya. dengan kelugasan seorang kekasih yang menegaskan tentang kekuatan keterikatan batin ini.

saya hanya bisa menggambarkan, betapa bulatnya tekad dan betapa membuminya yang saya miliki sekarang.
mudah-mudahan, langkah ini tetap pada porosnya.

anyway,
lately niat baik saya untuk menjalin good relationship dengan 2 orang yang berbeda tapi memiliki track record yang hampir sama dlm kehidupan pribadi saya tidak berjalan dengan baik.
bahkan ada kecenderungan pengabaian -atau apapun dalihnya- dan penyalahartian tawaran itu. seharusnya mereka mengerti bagaimana orang dewasa seharusnta bersikap. . . kecuali kalo ternyata mungkin saya salah menilai dan mereka tidak se-worthy itu untuk dipertahankan sebagai kawan baik.

well,life goes on. . .
bagaimanapun juga, saya pikir saya sudah melalui badai terburuk dalam masalah ini. . . dan akhirnya, saya tahu saya masih dikelilingi orang-orang berkualitas yang mencintai dan menginginkan saya, jiga menghargai saya . . .

kita tidak bisa memuaskan setiap orang, so what to do? unfriend? unfollowed? blocking? hehehe, i am so sorry, life is too good to be angry . . .

some thoughts in the morning

I am very excited to see where the characters and their relationships go.
But in the end, it really boils down to the people who have more power than me, who control the money….
It’s a pity huh??

Guess it has to be ended…
They don’t deserve to have my companion …

**miss myLove very much, miss mama so….

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